Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
