I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
