"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
