Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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