I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
