dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
