remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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