I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
