apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
