It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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