I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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