someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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