DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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