I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
