haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
