btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
We smell like vodka and hangover
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