just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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