I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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