Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize