you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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