I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
