i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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