her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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