And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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