Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
