Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
