Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
