i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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