when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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