I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
