Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
