ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
