I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
