Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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