just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
