I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We don't watch enough power rangers
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
