I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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