yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
