I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
