My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
