words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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