I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
