SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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