I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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