Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
