I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
why do cheetos always look like penises
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
