Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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