My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
