I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
