OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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