cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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