I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
