I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
