I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
