This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He passed out mid-signature
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
