I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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