I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
