the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I lost the right to judge tonight
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
