woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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